'Good Kid vs. Bad Kid': The Sometimes Ugly Truth About Caring for Aging Parents

(Aging Untold) — When caring for aging parents, families often divide into the “good kid” who handles everything and the “bad kid” who seems distant—or worse, acts out of control and manipulates.

In this episode of the Aging Untold Podcast, our expert panel breaks down the hidden dynamics of sibling conflict, power of attorney mistakes, financial exploitation, and even extreme situations where family members take control of vulnerable parents against their wishes.

Learn how to communicate across distances, divide caregiving duties fairly, and assemble the right professional team before a crisis strikes.

Caregiving capacity varies by circumstance

Not all adult children who step back from caregiving do so by choice.

“I don’t necessarily like that we’re pigeonholing our children into good and bad,” gerontologist and Aging Untold co-host Sam Cradduck said. “I think some of us have different skill sets and some of us have different faculties where maybe some people are just able to emotionally handle the caregiving responsibilities and seeing that decline and some aren’t.”

And some people lack the financial or job flexibility to travel and provide hands-on care when it is needed.

“Are they the bad kid because they live thousands of miles away and they’re not upending their entire life to go take care of their parent?” Cradduck asked.

Motives behind caregiving can be hidden

Cradduck also cautioned that visible caregiving does not always reflect good intentions.

Some individuals who appear to be model caregivers are “there for the wrong reason,” using their proximity to control and isolate a parent from other family members.

“I don’t think we on the outside can always see who’s the good and who’s the bad,” Cradduck said.

Aging well coach and Aging Untold expert Katherine Ambrose said sometimes the “good kid” will miss things and they need to be brave and ask questions.

“When you’re so respectful and so reserved and you don’t want to step in and kind of cross the line or take away any autonomy, could you be waiting too long to address something?” Ambrose said. “Get leverage, ask questions, be curious and have the bold, candid conversations.”

Siblings and responsibilities

Some adult children who are absent from caregiving may be held back by emotional barriers, unresolved resentment or past family issues. And that can affect the relationship between siblings.

“I hear a lot, ‘I can’t get my sister to help, I can’t get my brother to help, I’m the one that’s doing it all. I’m trying. I can’t be with my family because I’m taking care of mom or dad or whatever, and I don’t know why they’re not stepping into that role,’” Cradduck added.

Maybe it is because they cannot do it emotionally and they don’t want to see their mom or dad declining.

“But for the ones that are there, that are working and doing, you’re getting something that no one else can take away from you, ever,” Cradduck said. “And don’t lose your sibling because of that.”

Financial exploitation is a documented risk

Panelists described cases in which family members used caregiving as cover for financial exploitation.

“There’s a lot of kids who will say, ‘Oh, you know, mom’s getting older so I have to move in and take care of her.’ Oh, yeah, sure you do,” Ambrose said. “You know some that are really caregiving and that’s legit and that some of them are just getting a free ride and free groceries.”

Cradduck cited a case in which a grandson accessed his grandmother’s accounts for personal use, leaving her without funds to cover her own expenses. The case involved power of attorney and adult protective services.

The group also discussed a pattern in which older adults give finances to a child out of a desire to continue supporting that child.

“And you also have the factor of the older person wanting to help, and then it just gets so blurry. They don’t know when to stop and then they can’t stop, and then they can’t have the conversation with them because they don’t want to lose them, because who’s going to take care of me?” O’Rourke said.

Early planning recommended

Ambrose said older adults should begin planning while they are still healthy and mentally capable. She recommended assembling a team of professionals, including a care manager, physician, home care agency representative, gerontologist, financial planner and attorney.

“No plan is a plan — it’s a really bad plan,” Ambrose said.